i don't like making decisions.
at all
if there are other people around - i tend to shy away from making the decisions;
i don't like being the one to decide plans that involve other people
i don't like choosing the radio station when others are in the car
i don't like choosing what to wear for events when i don't know what other people are wearing...
stuff like that tends to stress me out...
when i'm by myself i can generally decide what to do with my night or my music or my clothing choices... but those are small and can be contained...

lately i feel like life is running me in circles - i think it stems from being interested in too many things. life would be easier if i wanted to one thing and i wanted to do it in one location and that was that... however i'm easily distracted and i don't know what i want...
do i:
do jr in may or spec ed in june?
i don't really want to work in gr 4-6 so doing jr seems silly - but i want to do SOMETHING... spec ed is interesting - but i don't want to get stuck in a spec ed job - and also i would want to take the course in north bay--- which means finding somewhere to live for a month... either way i want to do an "epic road trip" which would be nicer if i did it in may... just cuz i have no plans for may yet and can leave for the entire month (despite having no money...) i'm feeling pushed towards spec ed - but i don't know...
another issue:
do i try to find a job in ontario / quebec / alberta / australia / new zealand / the uk / bc / somewhere else???
if i get a job in multiple places where do i go to?

too much - too many circles... feels like i'm constantly chasing my tail or whatever a more human related metaphor is...

anyways - i'm off to plan some rockin lessons for macbeth

i love reading. i love writing. i love people watching. i love playing piano. i love listening to really good worship music - and by good i mean something i've connected to. i love talking to people i love. i love talking to people that love me. i love talking to random people when i can be my random self. i love listening to people talk about something they are passionate about.

i don't love when people around me are hurting. i don't love feeling so far away. i don't love feeling useless. i don't love feeling my passion dripping away.

but back to the reading...

i think that i've had a nose stuck in a book for my whole growing up years - i will read almost anything: chick lit, christian chick lit, fiction, non-fiction, the classics, trashy romances, poetry, adventure, whatever... if you look at the list running down the side of my blog you will see what i have on my shelf in north bay - oh wait - and that was before christmas and i added a bunch of books to the stack - i will read anything.

i think that i've been watching people forever as well. i think it's a natural part of life. i think that working in an environment where watching people was part of the job really heightened this in all aspects of my life and i quickly forget to look away when people catch me staring... it's a job hazard - not my fault :P

in the past couple of years i've started to read and write in blogs. i love reading peoples' blogs. it's like a combination of my favourite things - i get to read, and i get to watch them. there are blogs that i read as often as they are updated, and others that i find that i read from start to finish and never look at again. i like reading about other peoples' journeys. i feel i can comprehend other situations and i can see how someone dealt with it and i can then modify their reaction to suit my needs. another job hazard is that you are always preparing yourself for the worst to happen. while at work you figure out plans of actions for everything from 'how to get the man that weighs more then everyone working at the time combined, who likes to sit at the bottom of the pool, out if he were to die' to 'how would you evacuate the pool if someone came in with a gun/knife' to 'how to get a vsa victim out of the pool when they're in the middle lane and you don't want to do cpr on the bulkhead'. [strap him to a spine board and use the chair lift for leverage to get him out, preferably lock the gunman in a closet - otherwise first get everyone under the awning and then get them out via the 'secret door', whistle/close airway and pull him under or over the closest rope/have staff or patrons drop the other ropes] unfortunately for me, this also translates into real life. 'what will you do if a guy with a gun comes into your classroom' or whatever. basically what i'm saying here is - i need to feel prepared for things - in order to feel prepared i have to have thought of every possible situation and given thought about what i would do in each of those situations. if you were on the fence as to whether or not i was insane - this is your proof.

a friend and i used to talk about random people in our program all the time [i say "used to" because we're not in the same program anymore so it's much harder :P]. anyways we used to speculate about the holes in their lives that we weren't sure about - and have a really good time doing it. but the point: we would finish this speculation with a laugh and a hope - that people were doing this about us.. tell me if this is weird: in my odd need for belonging - it is my hope that random people talk about me - that they fill in the holes for themselves...

i need the randomness back in my life. i need the purpose back. i need to find peace with where i'm at.
it's coming - and it'll be good.
sorry bout the randomness --- that had to get out.

so a bunch of us went bowling this afternoon... it was a great opportunity to get to know some of the people i will be living with for the month of march.
it was just a good chance to ensure that we're all on the same page, ease issues about packing, and learn a little more about each other...
apparently north bay only has 5 pin bowling... which is too bad - but it's ok, i can suck at 5 pin just as well - actually much better then i do at 10 pin...

anyways - i don't have a lot to say, just felt it was time to update the old blog...

survivor africa : the winter edition

the teams were chosen. (natasha/danielle/ashley = team 6) the purpose made clear - hit up each of the stations and don't get frost bite... try to win at each station - but no one's really counting - so decide for yourself what that means... natasha, danielle and i discovered pretty quickly that they should have taught us how to actually follow a GPS rather than just how to turn the things on.

step 1: team 6 needs to lead lynn to the mine fields -- we fail miserably - 45 min later - we find the small field in the opposite direction --
result: lynn gives us top marks for eventually getting there.

step 2: lynn gives us her GPS system (we now have 2) and we make our way to the "helium stick" station... it was much easier to get to - and although we weren't the first group there - we DID win the challenge --- lower a stick to the ground with each member of the team having 2 fingers with direct contact on the stick --- harder than it sounds.

step 3: task -- build a fire that is sustainable enough to boil a pot of water so you can make hot chocolate. since the fire was in the snow we knew we had to build a base - we then made a pretty little teepee and lit the birch bark --- jeff let us do what we wanted until our fire went out -- then he taught us how to make a fire in the snow (get rid of the teepee... have a base / then birch bark / then small sticks / then add the big stuff later) our fire was made - we boiled our water - and drank our hot chocolate -- ash and all.

step 4: we had to make a shelter - as this was our last station and we were competing against ourselves - we won... mostly cuz we could steal everyone else's materials - and the points don't matter anyways :P but it was fun... we even managed to squish the 3 of us into the shelter for a picture - snowshoes and all...

step 5: hot dogs and campfire stew as a big group... lots of fun - got to know people we're going with --- i have the names down pat at least... well - as much as you can have names down when everyone is in winter gear :)

apparently we really like polar temperatures... preparing for the kenyan heat by playing in the north bay winters... all in good fun :)

some of the people going to kenya with me...

less than 2 months and i'm in kenya! before that can happen i have 3 weeks of teaching in waterdown and a gazillion and a half assignments / resumes / other things to write. it should be fun.
this saturday we are doing survivor africa - in the trails behind the school... we had to sign a waiver - ridiculous...
currently i'm sitting in the library with grant talking about whether a red bull would piss himself off... i say no.
there's not a lot to say right now - my mind is racing with everything i SHOULD be doing - and that pretty much consumes my life at this point.
anyways - time to switch locations - it's kurtc time... crazy man.